Middle School Is Messy—and That’s the Point

Middle school is messy.

I don’t mean that negatively. In fact, I think some of the messiness is exactly what makes these years so important.

Middle schoolers are figuring out who they are. They’re learning how to be good friends, good students, and good members of a community. They’re developing independence while still needing the adults around them. And sometimes, despite genuinely wanting to do the right thing, they get it wrong.

I’ve spent most of my career working with adolescents—first as a social worker and, for the past 13 years, working at Peck as a teacher, advisor, and coach. Now, as a Peck parent myself, I’m experiencing these years from another perspective, too. All of those experiences shape how I see my new role as Peck’s Dean of Students.

Yes, discipline is part of the job. But I don’t think of myself as the person who doles out punishments. I see my role as helping students work through mistakes: Why did I make that choice? What was I feeling in that moment? Who do I want to be? And, most importantly, how do I move forward?

For me, that work starts with knowing our students well. When kids feel safe, seen, and supported—and know the adults around them care about who they are, not just the choices they make—they have the space to learn from mistakes, make things right, and try again.

Relationships Matter

For me, one of the most important parts of being Dean of Students happens long before a student ever needs to have a difficult conversation with me.

I want to be visible.

I want students to see me at practices, in assemblies, in the hallways, during activities, in class, and throughout the everyday life of the Upper School. I still teach Themes classes, coach basketball, and work with eighth graders through Capstone class. Those different spaces give me opportunities to know students—and for them to know me.

Relationships built during the ordinary moments make the harder moments easier. When a student already knows that an adult likes them, believes in them, and cares about them as a person, walking into that adult’s office feels very different.

It’s a lesson I learned during my many years of teaching.

If kids feel safe, seen, and supported, they’re more willing to take a risk in the classroom. They can fail at something. They can make a mistake. They know it won’t be held against them.

It Takes a Team

One of the things I appreciate most about Peck’s approach to the middle school years is that no single adult is expected to be everything for a child.

Our Upper School Advisory program gives every student a trusted adult whose primary role is to know that child well, advocate for them, and support their growth. I think protecting that relationship is incredibly important.

However, when something bigger arises, that’s when the Dean of Students can step in without changing the fundamental role of the advisor. The advisor can remain in the child’s corner while I help the student and family navigate what happened and what comes next.

And even then, I’m not doing that work alone.

Our Head of Upper School, advisors, teachers, coaches, school psychologists, and learning specialists bring different expertise and different relationships with each student. Peck is incredibly resource-rich in that way. Our job is to ask: What does this particular child need at this particular moment?

That web of relationships students have with Peck faculty and staff are one of the things that makes a school like Peck special.

Reminder: You Are Better Than Your Worst Mistake

Middle school is messy. Sometimes a student acts out of fear, insecurity, anger, or impulsivity. Part of growing up is learning to recognize those emotions, regulate them, and make thoughtful choices even when emotions are running high. That takes practice.

I have a particular soft spot for the kids who earnestly want to do well but somehow keep running into the same wall. I understand that kid. To a certain extent, I was that kid.

For those students—and really, for every student—I want them to know a few things: You’re okay. There are people here who care about you. You are better than your worst mistake. And tomorrow, you get a fresh start.

That doesn’t mean we ignore mistakes. We help students understand what happened, why it happened, how their actions affected others, and what they can do differently next time. Accountability matters. But accountability and care aren’t opposites.

There are very few mistakes you can’t come back from.

Want to see what student support looks like in action, learn more about the Upper School experience, or come see all that Peck has to offer for yourself? Schedule a visit.